My Boyfriend May Not Be My Last

Have you ever thought this, "My Boyfriend May Not Be My Last"?
If you ask me, I will say "Yes, I have".

That's why I've been still single since over a year ago. I decided to be a single because I thought that he may not be my last. A relationship which I build for years can be failed. It could be OVER! So how can I stand on the day when it is over?!! I can't imagine how broken my heart will be. I'm afraid of this so much. It's not about I don't think positively, but I aware that everything can be happened, bad or good. I only get ready for the worst.

So many feelings I felt, tired, bored, and sick of the condition, the dispute also. I thought that many many things are more important to think and to do than to think the dispute itself. Simple problem sometimes which was not really important, such as jealousy, worried about him, and many more.

I may not mature enough to have a serious relationship to a boy who may not mature enough too. That's what the dispute was come up and it wasted my time so much. Timing that should be productive, I wasted just to think over it. Sigh. Tiring me! A very useless thing!

Over a year ago, my relationship was over. I braced up to take a turning point to my relationship. I said to him to break up and concern onto the duties, study, family, friends, so on. So tired of all things. I probably needed being alone and corcerned to those. I have many obsessions to make those real, then I start to think about relationship with a kind and serious guy, good in attitude and his religion also, can be him or other man.

I told him for many times, but he didn't want to break up. He'd do everything to keep our relationship if we sure it would be the last. But I wasn't in same thinking. Too long timing of relationship only make the relationship become saturated, and boring coz it would be filled by the dispute, jealousy, and suspiciousness. Sigh. I need to be free, as I was a kid, hehe, I mean as I was in high school. Feel free making friend as much as I can without worrying someone will be jealous at me.

In a difference thinking and there was no steady decission, suddenly a friend of him sent me a private message, asked for my relationship with him was still in or not, for confirmation. Then I returned ask why he asked me about it, coz I didn't know his importance of my relationship was. But after that, his answer shocked me a lot! He (my exboyfriend) had made new relationship to other girl! Wow, I was really thankful to his friend of the shocking information. I hurted enough, and wondered why he did it?! Otherwise several days before he still begged for changing of my decission to break up. Sigh!

It was more than enough to make me stayed away from him. In one side, the relationship ended as my decission, but other side I still could not believe why should this end badly. Yeah, badly, coz when I tried to confirm about his new relationship with that girl he didn't confess, till his new girlfriend texted me and confess all. "Why weren't you honest?". Honesty is better than lying, and I can be more appreciate to those who is honest.

Months passed. I admitted all the bad things that happen. I changed my wound into wisdom. Then, on my 20th birthday, he texted me, sent me private message too. But I didn't replied those at all. Forgiving him had been done, but I didn't know my heart feeling said, "not now". One day maybe I will repair, I will appear as his friend. But not on that moment.

A month after that, I tried to contact him. I felt so sorry of his condition that feeling guilty so much to me although I had said that I have forgiven all things at the past. He said that he break up may it because of karma. Then he knew what my feeling in that position, when someone leave us without saying anything reason about it, it hurts A LOT! That's why he said it may a karma, coz he felt the same I had felt. I felt that hewass so down, so I suggested him to join an ESQ Training licensed by Ari Ginanjar Agustian, hope it would be able to him to accept the real situation that was happened. A Spiritual Quotion is better used when we have a problem. I think so. :)

And Alhamdulillah, he got better effect after joining the training. I also happy to hear that. Then until now we have lived in our own life nevertheless we are good friend, no matter one day he will be my mate or not. I enjoy friendship a lot! :)


PS:
maybe you don't take same decission like me, coz it'll be shocking your boy/girlfriend when you suddenly want to break your relationship up. hehehehe :p
So I suggest for everyone now, "she/he may not be your last" so may you stop loving him/her too much, (noted : TOO MUCH). That's why Islam teach us to not love everything onto Allah too much, coz none will guarantee that you'd never feel hurt, and Allah may be jealous to you. Yeah, and it will prevent you from  feeling hurt too deep, when the worst thing happen as you don't expect before. :)